Y'all I am going to preface this with: I do not even know how to write this or what I want to say but I feel compelled to write and share so here we go...
Life is funny sometimes. I so vividly remember my younger self sitting in my room praying for a boy to marry, to be my prince charming. I had my whole life planned out by the time I was 14. I wanted to find the man of my dreams in my early 20's, be married by 25, buy a house by 26 and have a little mini me by 27.
If you know me, you know that this is exactly how life happened. But here is the plot twist, our relationship, our marriage, was a sham.
Let me clarify that, we had some amazing memories, it wasn't all bad and I think that I was in love with certain aspects of my life from the past 7 years-I mean HELLO, we brought the most beautiful baby boy into this world. But neither one of us was ever really happy. I guess I shouldn't speak for him but, I was not truly ever happy. There were a lot of red flag moments throughout our life together. I always joke now that I am that meme that has huge red flags and I am like "eh it is kind of an orangey-red".
My point of this is that, though I "had it all" I was not happy at all. For the last 480 days, I have been praying, hoping, screaming, crying for it to all just be over.
Well, it finally happened. On June 25, 2020, via zoom call, because Hi, it's 2020...our divorce was finalized, papers signed, and filed. I am single again.
I can't explain to you the wave of insane emotions I have been going through. This past year has been hell. The constant fight, the constant feeling of "what's next" when it came to terms and surprise court orders. I hesitated to sign. I cried. I was angry. I sat through a virtual meeting with my attorney before our final hearing and just had tears streaming down my face for so many reasons. Firstly, I couldn't believe that we had finally gotten to this point. To the point where we could sign and finalize everything after a year or more of so much drastic back and forth. Second, I was sad, I AM sad. This chapter did NEED to be closed but it isn't one that I never thought I would have to close. It is not something I ever saw my child going through back when I was 14 planning my life.
I am someone who struggles a lot to have a strong relationship with God however, I feel like this past year and a half there has been a higher power looking over me and keeping me strong. So many times where I felt completely broken but was able to keep going. Something just took over and filled me with a sense of security. To say that this year has been exhausting and stressful is a massive understatement so I am relieved to be here now.
I am finally able to breathe, excited, ready to pop the champagne because this is a NEW chapter for me. I am finally living my life. Finally happy with myself and my life. A day that a year ago seemed like we would never get to is here, has come true and is final.
I know that this is a little ramble-y and probably not very cohesive. I know divorce is different for everyone, there are 1,000 reasons under the sun for people to get divorced. I am not happy that I spent 6 years in a relationship like I did, I am not happy that I got married and am now divorced, I am not happy that many relationships with former in-laws and his family are forever broken, I am not happy that Noah is now a child of a broken family. But I am happy that Noah will be raised by two parents who love him unconditionally, two parents who will always put him first, two parents who will try their hardest to remain amicable. I am happy that my ex-husband and I are still young enough to start over relationship wise and that we both have a chance to both receive happiness.
I also want to make it clear that though he and I didn't work out, I don't intend to ever slander his name or character. We do still have an amazing child together and we will always do what is best for Noah including being amicable co-parents. I do intend to always be an advocate for women, moms, anyone in relationships that are no longer healthy.
Another super exciting part of this chapter is that due to legal reasons, I was pretty muzzled for the last year or so now I am excited to share more about my journey through divorce, lessons learned, dating, single mom life, etc. with you.
Life is a freaking roller coaster but I appreciate you following along and sticking through even the most ramble-y of posts.