The Girl Who Finally Found Herself
I am sure that you have all heard the quote:
"why try to fit in, when you were born to stand out".
(also +10 points to anyone who can reference the movie that was in #throwback)
Well, I have always despised that quote because my whole life all I had ever wanted was to fit in. I wanted to feel included and apart of something. Being that I was a Black girl, adopted by white parents, went to a private school with literally only 2 other Black souls in the whole school, and definitely didn't fit the preppy, blonde haired, blue eyed, size 2 mold, I did not fit in.
Back in my grade school years (gross, I am almost 30 so it really was like forever ago!) , I tried everything to fit in. I would buy Hollister polos and Abercrombie jeans, straightened and relaxed the ever loving life out of my hair, went on crash diet after crash diet. I was desperate y'all and it wasn't a good look. I had been bullied pretty bad in middle and the first part of high school. I switched schools half way through high school but even then I didn't have many friends at my new school. Not having friends wasn't really the worst-I mean, it wasn't ideal but it also didn't bother me too much. I would usually spend my lunch hours helping my teachers or in my senior year I was able to leave for on-job-training after 2 classes on campus so that was a score.
Without going down all of memory lane though, I had a revelation recently. Not too long ago while laying in bed I started to cry, the happiest of tears, because I really love who I am today. After being in a relationship for 6 years where I was constantly made to feel as if I wasn't enough, this past year I feel like has taught me so much. My most important lesson from this year is to f... it all. I finally just said f... it and started living for myself. Doing things that made me happy. I "Marie Kondo'd" the shit out of my life and started LIVING.
After being served with divorce papers and threats of having my son taken from me, I was in a rough R O U G H spot. It took me a hot second to regroup. It wasn't an over night change but, come summer I was a new soul. Last summer was THE best summer of my life. Spent so many days covered in sand at the beach, went on all the day trips, embraced my spontaneous side and spent so much money on random staycations and vacations and just freaking lived. I have adapted that mind set and feeling of happiness and just complete joy into everyday now.
Obviously, it isn't feasible to spend all day every day just living my best life with a lack of responsibilities but, it is so possible to just L I V E everyday. Every morning I start the day with N with a dance party. We hop out of bed, blast some jams and make breakfast. So easy, so simple, but so fun. I truly try to be present in every thing I do and also intentional about how I spend my time and who I spend it with.
I have spent so much time in relationships where I wasn't happy. I don't want that in my life ever again regardless of the capacity of the relationship. If it doesn't bring me joy, I don't want. It was hard but I cut several people out of my life. People that I still have a love for and if they called and needed me, I'd be there but I couldn't put any more day to day effort in those relationships any longer.
I finally am at a place in my life where I want to stand out. I love who I am and the continual potential to grow into better and better versions of myself. I am proud of myself for breaking the mold that I thought I was supposed to be in or look like. I am proud of myself for embracing my curls, my skin color, my happiness.
I stayed the night at my sweet mamas the other day and after I got out of the shower, before I had make up on she said "Sarah, these past few weeks are the happiest I have seen you in...years". And you know, she is right. Obviously Noah and having Noah brings me so much joy to life but for the first time in so long, I am just actually happy. I am happy with my life, my friend circle, my job. I am no longer letting things, people, the past hurt me.
It wasn't a quick journey nor is it one I am even proud to admit but I am so happy I am here and I am so happy you are here on this journey with me.
Be so happy and in love with your life that it becomes the first thing people notice when they see you!-me.
Also, I am crowning this shade of pink my "power color". It just makes me feel so fierce!
What is your power color? Also, what is the craziest thing you have ever done to either fit in or stand out?